why do i do this ,
i just don’t get why i am so into just doing really stupid shit that ultimately fucks myself over in the end. like i just don’t get it. really i’m so fucking confused atm. and i guess i better explain everything before you think i’m going off the deep end and i’m some kind of crazy psycho. but i do feel like i am sometimes, which is kind of sadly ironic? i don’t even know anymore. really, i don’t. damn it anyways.
love. i don’t get the point of it. and now when i say that i feel like i’m some kind of hypocrite. but go figure. that is pretty much the story of my life. anyway. i feel like i should stop just giving second chances. is it that big of a deal? why do i feel like if i stop giving second chances that i’m going to be even more unhappy than i am now? does that even make sense? i doubt it to be honest. he doesn’t deserve the chances. he’s done NOTHING for me to try and say that i think he needs a chance. but yet i am so fucking weak, and i just give in every single time. like it doesn’t even matter if he’s made me cry or not. and i hate myself for it. but in the back of my mind, i feel like it’ll finally be the time where i’ll find someone to love me. but in the same, again, i feel like i’m wasting it on him. why do i feel like i’m stuck in a hole? i’ve given up hoping for the best. i just can’t handle the pain he causes anymore. i don’t even think he knows.
and frankly, on a totally unrelated note, i’m so fucking sick and tired of people that try to know how i feel. they are all like “you choose to be unhappy blah blah blah” and i just sit back and wonder what the hell they’re on. i do NOT wake up every morning, making the choice i want to die. who would do that? honestly. if anything, i wake up trying to push the pain away for one more day. no one understands unless they’ve been there. and like half the time i know they haven’t. so why do they make snap judgements and just automatically try to care? i don’t need pity. it doesn’t help me. if it did, i still wouldn’t want it. i don’t wake up choosing to be in pain. trust me. the amount of pain i feel every day of my life is unbearable. and i’m trying to get through it. and i just am disguisted. no one would wish this much pain upon themselves.
that’s it for now. i’m done ranting. i don’t even know what to say otherwise.
