don’t look so blue my little decoy ,
decoy. most associate this with some kind of malicious intent. a way to blindsight people to get what you want. to hide a flaw. and that my friends, is what ive been doing all this time. a smile has been my so-called ‘decoy’. and i’m getting tired of just pasting it onto my fake face, and making everyone think i’m happy. well, i’m not. and it sucks trying to be strong when i’d rather just fall apart. it seems so easy just letting go and being upset. it seems so much easier just shutting everyone out. but i don’t know if it’s really the best right now. i mean, i don’t wanna hurt, but i don’t want to lie and be fake either. and right now i’m trying so hard to fucking just find a balance. but alas, it’s not working. surprise surprise. maybe it’s just another hint that my life is doomed to fail. well gee fucking willikers. i’m in so much pain, and i can’t talk to anyone. i just have to put on my bullshit ‘oh i’m so happy’ voice, and face, and just act like nothing fucking bothers me. well guess what? it does. and damn it anyway, i always end up feeling so alone, and hurting by myself. and just getting back into the mindset to do things to myself i shouldn’t. and like i just feel like i need to get some kind of control. and i think that within my self is the only way. like i need to punish myself for something. for letting it happen. or something like that. i feel like i need to just teach myself a lesson, feel a little pain, to make the rest go away.
