under my skin ,

why do i do this ,

i just don’t get why i am so into just doing really stupid shit that ultimately fucks myself over in the end. like i just don’t get it. really i’m so fucking confused atm. and i guess i better explain everything before you think i’m going off the deep end and i’m some kind of crazy psycho. but i do feel like i am sometimes, which is kind of sadly ironic? i don’t even know anymore. really, i don’t. damn it anyways.

love. i don’t get the point of it. and now when i say that i feel like i’m some kind of hypocrite. but go figure. that is pretty much the story of my life. anyway. i feel like i should stop just giving second chances. is it that big of a deal? why do i feel like if i stop giving second chances that i’m going to be even more unhappy than i am now? does that even make sense? i doubt it to be honest. he doesn’t deserve the chances. he’s done NOTHING for me to try and say that i think he needs a chance. but yet i am so fucking weak, and i just give in every single time. like it doesn’t even matter if he’s made me cry or not. and i hate myself for it. but in the back of my mind, i feel like it’ll finally be the time where i’ll find someone to love me. but in the same, again, i feel like i’m wasting it on him. why do i feel like i’m stuck in a hole? i’ve given up hoping for the best. i just can’t handle the pain he causes anymore. i don’t even think he knows.

and frankly, on a totally unrelated note, i’m so fucking sick and tired of people that try to know how i feel. they are all like “you choose to be unhappy blah blah blah” and i just sit back and wonder what the hell they’re on. i do NOT wake up every morning, making the choice i want to die. who would do that? honestly. if anything, i wake up trying to push the pain away for one more day. no one understands unless they’ve been there. and like half the time i know they haven’t. so why do they make snap judgements and just automatically try to care? i don’t need pity. it doesn’t help me. if it did, i still wouldn’t want it. i don’t wake up choosing to be in pain. trust me. the amount of pain i feel every day of my life is unbearable. and i’m trying to get through it. and i just am disguisted. no one would wish this much pain upon themselves.

that’s it for now. i’m done ranting. i don’t even know what to say otherwise.

i hate everything about myself ,

feel like i'm free fallin ,

so yeah. it’s been a while since i’ve written. and well i don’t really know what i can say about that. so it’s been like a month. not much really has happened in that month. sad to say. it just seems like i’m stuck in the same old rut again. i mean, for most, college is a fun experience, but not for me. i just feel like i’m picking out even more flaws about myself every chance that i get, rather than embracing all the good to come out of it. i worry too much about class, but i’ve tried to stop it, and i can’t. it’s legitly who i am. i feel stuck because i used to be happy to be here, and now i’m not sure. i’m not sure what i want to do with my life. and that sounds horrible, i know. but i cant help it, i’m just so insecure and stuff, that it’s almost sickening. really sickening to me.

and like well the only other thing i can think of, is somewhere through everything so far, i feel like i have a bit of confidence when it comes to guys. or rather, it comes and goes, see. i could be really feeling it one day, and then the next day be feeling really down. i don’t have a good physical image of myself, and i think i need to fix it, but i can’t. i’ve tried. not to mention not being hungry for like the past week and a half. i just have been eating cause i know i needed to. and it feels like a job, which it shouldnt. but somehow i feel like i’m getting more attention in terms of more than just friends, and i dont know what to do about it, or if i should bother acting at all. i just dont know. i feel like im better off not trying anything, because im not risking anything. of course im not gaining anything, but still.

and im on my new meds, and im sick. go figure.

thats all the ranting for now.

what the hell is my problem ?

 i feel like i’m in a hole. in a tunnel. i feel like i’m stuck. and i can’t get out. i feel like i’m screaming for help, till my lungs burn, and no one can hear me. what is wrong wtih me? i feel like there’s a hole. a void that can’t be filled. i’ve been crying for no reason, feeling like i don’t matter. feeling like i’m so abandoned. i want to be home. not at school. h.o.m.e. i want to be with my mom. call me immature, call me a loser, i don’t care. but i’m happy at home with my mom. not at school. not here. and i just feel like i need a guy to make me happy too, and that’s almost a sickening thought. because maybe if i was in a relationship, i wouldn’t think of how much pain i was in otherwise. and like why is it that i haven’t been able to wake up without thinking about taking more pills, or cutting? i don’t know what my problem is.

another survey ,

I’ve recently made up with an old friend of mine.
I’m getting a new phone soon.
I haven’t seen the person I like in two, going on three months.
They’re in the armed forces.
I work tomorrow.
Someone that I’m close with is having a birthday soon.
I’m actually kind of really excited about school.
I like to run.
I got some new clothes the other day.
Someone wants me to come over.
I drank tonight.
I am not drunk, though.
It’s really hot in the room I’m in.
I live with my grandma.
I drive a pretty decent car.
I know what I want in life.
And I have for a while.
I have a medical condition not a whole lot of people are aware of.
I love looking at Delia’s and Alloy catalogs.
I never buy anything from them though.
I don’t like Diet Mt. Dew.
I like my job.
I’m in my pajamas.
I need to go do something.
So I’m going to go do it.